I am a parent. My daughter is a happy, carefree, confident and healthy little girl. There is not much left to do with this wonderful little human, except for a few very important things.
She is going to make a lot of mistakes. She's already made several, though at 5 years old her mistakes are not punishable by law and best to keep it that way. She chose to eat all of the jellybeans for dessert instead of saving some for the next day. She found out the next day she had no dessert due to her choice the previous night. She emptied the bookshelf of all its contents, even though the Ipad would be taken away and Strawberry Shortcake would have to wait a day. She didn't learn the consequence to her action the first, second or third time, but eventually she got to understand the idea of consequence.
I read her stories at night, play with her after dinner (we enjoy building forts and spying on Mommy, though my protruding legs usually gives us away), we laugh, dance and have tickle parties. I'm very ticklish and through the miracle of genetics, she is too.
I love my daughter and because I love her I understand that she is her own person and not an extension of myself. She is not my future, as my father would often describe me to his friends in moments of pride. She is her own future. Her future is hers to make of it what she will.
In order for her to make a future she will enjoy I need to stay out of her way. This is what I understand is meant by unconditional love. Unconditional love is an idea rarely executed, though the hope to do so is a parents idealistic intention. It's not easy to love without return. It's not easy to truly believe that loving someone for the sake of loving them is all there is to do.
Conditions are established early on. "Isn't she pretty." "He is so smart." "She is so talented at the violin, a prodigy for sure." These are, believe it or not, conditions. "I love you." "Please clean up your toys." "Do your best." "Remember that your choice now will have a consequences later," are unconditional.
Many parents now a days believe that building a child's confidence with praise as children is essential for self confidence later in life. But the lesson they are learning is that without being pretty, smart and inherently talented, they will not receive the same admiration, smile, display of pride or love they got when the first heard those words.
I will always offer my daughter support and congratulations when she has succeeded in anything she has worked toward. She started picking out her own clothes early on, and though I wouldn't choose for her to wear two mismatched dresses with tights or leggings (I can never tell the difference), I would certainly allow it and praise her choice later. I would praise not because she made a choice, but because her choice was actually really good. No kidding, I'm not even sure how she does it half the time, but what I think of as mismatched usually turns out very well on her little frame.
I also set my standards for myself as an example. She knows now that Daddy needs to finish what he has started before moving on to something else. She doesn't always choose to finish what she's started, and I don't discredit her choice, but she'll she me complete a project and witness my joy in the finished product. Nothing to obscure, usually something like creating an elevator with tinker toys. We both enjoy engineering type activities...I mentioned the fort?
My daughter does happen to be beautiful, smart and talented. Though I would never praise those ideas for the sake of it. I praise her choice of clothing or what she has decided to do with her curly hair for the day. I praise her hard work and anxiety free ability to test well. And I let her teach me ballet without the leggings or tight.
I'll always make sure she wears a helmet when she rides her scooter and looks both ways several times before she crosses the road. I will always hug her when she cries and I will even let her see me cry when I'm sad. I will listen when she talks, regardless of what it is, and I'll only answer a question if she asks me one. I will not preach and pretend I am without flaw. I will show her my mistakes and how I overcome them. I will love my little girl for who she is and who she decides to be not for what I think she should become.
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